Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
