he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
