She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
