I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
