How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
