sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
