after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
