my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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