I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
