I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
