Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
