I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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