if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
