Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
don't judge my taste in strippers
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
