I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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