i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
