I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
