I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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