dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
