I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
