Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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