It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
