My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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