So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
