so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
