Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
