I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
