Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
