im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
