is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
