I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Holy shit dude........stairs
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
