I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
