I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
