I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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