ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
