Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
