Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
