Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
