Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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