Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
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