This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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