Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
