This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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