Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
