cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
