She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
