Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
