So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
