At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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