Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well I just put wine in my tea
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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