who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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