just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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