I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just made out with a guy for $7.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
