For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
