the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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