I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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